Boulevard of Broken Dreams

Breaking free

2009-10-13T09:17:00.000-07:00

he sits still in the corner

the sunlight streaming through the thin crack in the wall

everything else is eerily dark and gloomy

he tries to move

the shackles on his foot jingle

he reaches for the water

thirstily, he laps it up

and sighs with respite

he returns to the place: his safe corner

he stares into the ray of light

he hopes

he waits for freedom

he waits for daylight

he waits for the cool breeze

he waits for life to happen...

he doesnt realize that life is waiting for him to make it happen...

his freedom is out there

he has to go and get it

the sun, the breeze, the fresh air

it's all out there, waiting patiently for him

for him to make the move

to break free and let go

to stand up and fight

to be proud and hopeful

it's his choice

no one will make it for him

he will make the choice

he will face the consequences

he will bask in the warm sunlight

or he will perish under the hot sun....

Music

2009-10-13T09:02:00.000-07:00

the music...

it takes away the pain

by numbing the soul

it silences the sounds around

you don't feel anything

you don't hear anything...

One last time...

2009-05-12T20:41:00.000-07:00

She watches from the sidelines. The game starts to unfold. There is no one beside her; she sits, solitary and pale. Suddenly, she spots what seems to be her friend on the court. Wait a minute…she doesn’t play basketball!! The thought strikes her forcefully. She is about to laugh it off as a prank, until she gets a glimpse of him. He’s there too…and so is her family and her few close friends who have always been there for her. He is still standing there next to her closest friend. Before she knows it, they’re all there…on the court. Nobody is smiling. Nobody says a word.

She tries smiling…she realizes she cannot. Has she forgotten how to smile? He speaks up: “No more games. You smile when you actually want to smile. Don’t smile to hide the sadness.” Her friend pipes in: “Don’t laugh to conceal the tears. Don’t say you had a sleepless night when your eyes are actually puffy from the crying.” The other friend, the shorter one, breaks in: “Don’t pretend to not be affected by the person when your mind is in turmoil as soon as you see him. Don’t avoid the gaze with the hope that if you don’t look that way, he will stop looking.”

Her parents simply stand in the backdrop, listening with a sad look on their face. They look old and tired. “Why did you not talk? Why did you not share? Why did you try to fight the demons all alone?”

He speaks up again…she tries to look away. “Don’t look away when you know I can see the truth in your eyes. Don’t think I am oblivious to what you feel and think. Why did you not say anything?”

Her closest friend cuts in: “Why did you not show us the scars? Why did you stay in the dark? Why did you keep secrets from me?”

They all begin to chant, “Why…? Why…? Why…?”
Parents: “Don’t do this…it can be alright again.”
Him: “We can make this work, I promise.”
Her: “I will be there for you always…just give yourself a second chance.”

She tries to cry. She cannot. She touches her cheeks. They’re wet. She smiles…now she understands. They’re there…all of them, each and every one of them is standing on the court—a pleading look in their eyes. She avoids his gaze.

There is no guilt…no regret…no grief…no pretence. Not anymore. Spiritless and unfeeling, she cries…one last time.

deja vu

2009-02-10T19:02:00.000-08:00

the lanterns throw unearthly
shadows on the tables
swaying vulnerably
in the cold night's breeze

moonless night
gossamer sky full of stars
...yet her mind
wanders

images in her head
yanking the reality chain
...yet she smiles
through the fears

unsettled and daunted
she squirms in her chair
deja vu...oh the inexplicable feeling!
obscurity magnified

she watches and nods
occasionally lends a smile

spirited and gay
the conversation flows
much like the coffee
that they raise to their lips

sly glances, shy giggles
...long gazes
such exchanges don't surprise her
anymore...

she knows the end
the truth the consequence

she watches him watch her
a silent outsider
privy to this exchange

perfectly-timed is
the realization
just when the night comes to a
premature end

she sees
...the future before her
like a dried-up stream
muddled with coarse stones
...the predictable end
to her lovingly-nurtured dreams
...the silent screams
into the incoherent night
beautiful no longer----

A mirage

2009-01-21T02:28:00.000-08:00

He seems like a mirage
Unattainable, yet right there

A soft breeze blows
Leaves flutter and fall away
The sky starts to rumble
The sun seems hesitant to shine

Her eyes play games on her mind
She can see him
Yet she cannot see him

She longs…
She waits…
She hesitates…

The storm rushes away
The clouds begin to move
The sun starts to shine again
Her eyes begin to focus

The mirage comes into view
Overwhelmed, she moves forward
Then she stops
Then she sees
…her
…them

A lone tear slides down her cheek
She turns around
And walks away...
...away from the mirage
That was never supposed to be.

Curtain Call

2009-01-19T01:31:00.001-08:00

Darkness begins to fall
Eternal silence casts its spell
As the curtain rises

She falters in her step
She waits with a smile
A smile that stays on her lips
A smile that does not reach her eyes

She delivers her dialogues
She laughs and smiles
She listens with interest
She speaks when she must

Then come the tears that the dark brings
Unabashedly they fall
Until there is nothing left

Breathless and weary
She looks up
And smiles the same smile

As the curtain falls…
And applause replaces the creepy silence.

Euphoric revelation II

2009-01-08T22:12:00.000-08:00

*Sigh* It's Margaret Atwood again.....if you are lost, please refer to the previous post. This is part II. (I can foresee that many more are yet to come on this blog...)

The Moment

The moment when, after many years
of hard work and a long voyage
you stand in the centre of your room,
house, half-acre, square mile, island, country,
knowing at last how you got there,
and say, I own this,

is the same moment
when the trees unloose
their soft arms from around you,
the birds take back their language,
the cliffs fissure and collapse,
the air moves back from you like a wave
and you can't breathe.
No, they whisper. You own nothing.
You were a visitor, time after time
climbing the hill, planting the flag, proclaiming.
We never belonged to you.
You never found us.
It was always the other way round.

Euphoric revelation

2009-01-08T21:49:00.001-08:00

It's time to be unoriginal and lazy yet again! It's also time to cross a new threshold with Margaret Atwood's solemn words...
The following is an exemplification of this

Flying Inside Your Own Body

Your lungs fill & spread themselves,
wings of pink blood, and your bones
empty themselves and become hollow.
When you breathe in you’ll lift like a balloon
and your heart is light too & huge,
beating with pure joy, pure helium.
The sun’s white winds blow through you,
there’s nothing above you,
you see the earth now as an oval jewel,
radiant & seablue with love.
It’s only in dreams you can do this.
Waking, your heart is a shaken fist,
a fine dust clogs the air you breathe in;
the sun’s a hot copper weight pressing straight
down on the think pink rind of your skull.
It’s always the moment just before gunshot.
You try & try to rise but you cannot.

~Margaret Atwood

You were my ROCK

2008-11-28T07:47:00.000-08:00

A tribute to a friend, long lost in the bottomless eternal abyss called ‘life’

(I re-watched your 18^th birthday video. And this is what I have to say…)

Darling Sur,

I cannot bring back all the times we spent together in the foyer

I cannot bring back all the moments we could have spent together

I cannot lie by saying I have no regrets about the decisions I took in our friendship

I cannot lie by saying I did not lose a large part of my life when things started going downhill

I remember all the warm hugs and heart-melting smiles you gifted me…I took them all for granted

I never realized I may not be fortunate enough to see them again

I remember all the gossip, giggles, and tears I have shared with you…I refuse to let them drown in the sands of time

I never realized I may not have an opportunity to share these again

I moved on, thinking it was the right thing to do…not realizing I was digging my own grave

I moved on, thinking it was best for both of us…not thinking of how badly it would affect our lives

Each time I live life, every moment I spend with myself, I realize the preciousness of your friendship, the worthiness of your presence, the magic of your smile, the marvel of your hugs, the comfort of your words….

And I think to myself…if only, I could bring back those college days…those infinite days in the LRs, the canteen, the woods, the stairs, the foyer, at Colaba, in cafes, on the street….moments filled with laughter that brought tears to our eyes, moments brimming with joy that overwhelmed us so much that I was afraid to stop laughing (or crying) in fear of those moments vanishing into thin air.

I feared, I criticized, I hope, I dreamed, I cried, I laughed, I abused, I cared, I loved, I hated, I cherished, I forgot, I moved on…

And you saw me through it all…you accepted me with everything you could give…you never doubted my feelings or intentions…you simply were there (even after you moved to Australia).

I cannot ask you to bring back those happy days

I cannot ask you to love me the way you did

I cannot defy life’s rules and turn back time

I can only hope that you can forgive me…

For all the times I made you cry

For all the times I made you doubt yourself

For all the times I pushed you away

For all the times I refused to listen

For all the times I lied to you

Maybe it’s too much to ask, but I know that I have finally come to terms with those frustrated months I spent in college, trying to figure out what went wrong or who was to be blamed. I know you are very happy living the life you are living right now, with the love of your life, making your parents proud of their little girl, and doing what you were born to do – bringing joy in people’s lives!

God Bless You

I am what I am today, thanks to my many ‘loves’, you being one of them!

Love you always!

i walk alone

2008-11-24T08:46:00.001-08:00

i can see the light
there in the distance
a voice...an utterance
calling, luring, inviting

a flickering streetlight
casts monstrous shadows
on the rocky road
i walk alone

unnatural sounds of the night
queerly call out to me
strangely soothing and disquieting
i feel calm and unafraid

an owl hoots ominously
echoing into the murky night
under the sinister and starless sky
i walk alone

the dismal light throws itself
on my path
incandescent and dreary
it refuses to quell

i am drawn
like a moth to a light
the jagged road under my bare feet
i walk alone

like an impending doom
it looms ahead of me
a large yawning tunnel

the light disappears into
an abysmal blackness
an unknown unsure future

i walk alone

abruptly i freeze, rooted in my spot
my timid eyes dart around
my feet falter fearfully
hesitating to take another step

the hoots get louder
shrill and unnerving
the light gets brighter
intense and forceful

i cringe. i recoil
i tremble. i groan
the light...
i scamper towards the tunnel

a sanctum of assurance
a security blanket
it lulls me, calls me

without warning,
it begins dimming
my blurry vision
my raspy breath

then obscure blackness...

memories flash
love calls
thunder strikes
shadows fall

i open my eyes
there in the distance
lightless blackness

Unspoken ramblings...

2008-11-23T02:38:00.000-08:00

Tongue-tied and restrained
She waited for the right moment
It never came…

This has happened with almost all of us. If it hasn’t happened to you, go get your head checked! We all want to say something….to people we love and care about. Somehow there are certain weak moments in our lives when we simply cannot get ourselves to speak the truth, to express our feelings, to be honest with our heart.

Then there come the regrets…the “what ifs” and “if onlys”…smacking our head for not speaking up when we should have. We receive advice – speak up, speak out…what can go wrong? I have news for you…EVERYTHING can go wrong!! *sigh* But then, when was anything in life “right”? You may say I am a diehard pessimist. So be it. I would rather keep mum through it all, swallow my pride and feelings, and put on a brave front, than go and blurt it out all, lay my cards on the table, and watch them fly away…

Say I have to express my true feelings to someone I deeply care for…

What happens if I keep quiet about it? I pine, I suffer, I hope, I dream, I fear, I respect, I grow, I learn, I cherish, I mature, I smile, I cry, I languish…and then I move on. Time moves on and so does life. It fades away like an outlawed episode of my life…with only few blurry memories to uphold. They, too, eventually die a silent painless death.

Now what happens if I express my true feelings? I am rejected, ridiculed, embarrassed…there is awkwardness and discomfort in the existing relationship. I am overcome by helplessness and disappointment

I would rather hope, dream and be miserable over something that never really happened, than be miserable over something that could have happened. Call me over irritatingly cautious or prudent, but some matters in life are not worth taking a risk over…matters of the heart. Those are some moments in life when you think with your heart and let your mind take a vacation.

Most unhappiness sprouts from things that are left unsaid. Who thought unspoken words would cause more pain and grief than spoken words? That this thing called communication could create so many complications in the human world?

We live clinging onto the past, one eye on the present, the other on the future. Confused and scared, we try to move ahead, keeping pace with time. We refuse to let go, and yet we claim that our past no longer can hurt us. We are haunted by memories – good, bad, old, new – so much so that we leave no place for happier future memories. We put on a brave front, a false façade, to keep away the sadness and unpleasantness. We tell others to be true and unpretentious, and yet we watch ourselves drowning in our own deceit. Escapism is the word…we all do it, some honestly, others not so honestly.

We ponder
We discover

We reflect
We neglect

We memorize
We categorize

We ruminate
We articulate

We declare
We despair

We grieve
We deceive

We suppress
We express

We fear
We endear

We hope
We cope

It’s just another thing of human nature…

“All the world's a stage,
And all the men and women merely players,
They have their exits and their entrances…”

And so, my friends, the play goes on...

30 minutes

2008-09-05T10:35:00.000-07:00

The thirty-minute train ride back home involves a LOT of things: music (perfect companion)…shopping (cheap bargains)…breeze (the one that can knock you off your feet)…children (mostly noisy, who provoke the “violent me”)…vibrations (of the train, you perverts)...interactions (with nice friendly women)…fights (big fun if you are a spectator)…

Oops, almost forgot to mention these occasional visitors who make very important guest appearances from time to time. They either crawl or fly in, and they are the only ones who are capable of making women (of any size and age, mind you) dance! They are repelling, disgusting and supposedly-harmless little (really?) rascals. They prefer traveling in groups, and rarely will you find a sole occupant in the aisle. They breed like there’s no tomorrow, and do you realize, they actually travel ticketless anywhere they want to?! These ticketless repulsive bastards!

So this is my timeline today….

Andheri – Vile Parle: (song) ::Big girls don’t cry – Fergie::

I secure a seat and instantly spot her. Doe-shaped eyes, heart-warming smile, honeyed complexion, lovely tresses…she is only 7. She makes her living selling hair clips and key chains. She is regular on this train, just like me. We make eye contact. She understands. She makes her way towards me. I smile. She smiles; that same heart-warming, honest smile. After rummaging through all 3 boxes, I select some items. She is one girl I do not bother bargaining with. I do not have the heart to do so…to deny her of whatever little she makes from this business. I fall into deep thought…what’s her future? What’s her honesty worth? Is she even aware of her natural beauty? And here we are…a nation full of hypocrites, claiming the “plastic- oh-so-fake-ice-princess- Mrs Rai-Bachchan” as the Most Beautiful Woman! Go take a hike…

Vile Parle – Santacruz: (song) :: Kahin toh – Jaane tu…ya jaane na::

The crowd rushes in. Women grab seats like their life depends on it. This is generally followed by minor arguments (with some profanities thrown in)…but most escape with minor bruises – bruised egos, at the most! Through these “bull-fighter-like-women,” I can see this frail head of white hair, barely managing to balance. Here is this cute old Gujarati grandmother in a pretty cotton saree, trying to find her bearings in this rowdiness. Instinctively, I get up and offer her my seat. I receive a variety of looks from the women around me. Let me try to describe them briefly: a) the “I-hate-that-you-are-being-polite-&-nice” look, b) the “I-don’t-care-a-damn-but-I-am-still-looking” look, c) the “I-was-going-to-offer-my-seat-too-&-I-have-a-heart-as-well” look, and d) the “Stop-trying-to-be-Miss-Goody-Two-Shoes” look. She hesitates but finally sat down. Looks up at me (towering over her) and gives me a wide toothless smile, accompanied by a lisped “Thank-you.” I couldn’t stop smiling to myself through the rest of my journey. She made my day!

Santacruz – Khar Road: (song) ::Smoke on the water – Deep Purple::

Since I give my seat to the old woman, I find myself standing at the door. Not hanging out, like some super-cool idiots (women with their hair and dupattas flying behind them). Then, accidentally, my elbow “brushes” against someone’s head (the cranky lady is shorter than me). She lets out a loud yelp, like I had pinched her or something (now when I look back, maybe I should have!!). This yelp brings attention from all other women around us. They give me these smoldering (not in the good way) looks. I look at her and say sorry (I needn’t have, but what the heck?). Still, the contempt does not leave her. She mutters, “Jeans-pant pehenti hai, gaana sunti hai…toh apne aap ko kya samajhti hai??” I am taken aback…but I burst out laughing in her face. What the hell is the connection? Her irritation increases in intensity, so does my laughter. Then, I turn away and resume my attention back to Deep Purple.

Khar Road – Bandra: (song) ::Promiscuous girl – Nelly Furtado ft Timbaland::

Here comes the free entertainment bit for me. Two women start a fight. Awesome. One, a burkha-clad fiery woman; the other a hefty ferocious Punjabi woman. It all starts over a nudge. And then they come down and dirty…from their husbands to their brothers to their fathers…all these nice men find a mention in their heated exchange. Then the ultimate…they turn into it a communal fight. It becomes nasty and crass when they touch upon the temperamental issue of “religion.” The fight is resolved at the next station, wherein two cops have to intervene and hold them off. Phew!

Bandra – Mahim: (song) ::Wake me up – Green Day::

This journey is comparatively sober. With the exception of the wailing child behind me…I start counting 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10…Green day helps me, as well. And then…Oh Boy! I can feel the girl next to me get a little too close for comfort. Okay, I understand it’s a cramped compartment, and we have no choice. But this train is not so crowded, and we can all stand independently, without any pressing or rubbing (yeah I can see you women cringe). I shift a bit, to make more place for her, making myself uncomfortable. But she still continues falling on me, like she has no spine. The worst is that you can feel her body pressed against yours (this is not a Mills &Boon story, I promise)…even when every inch of your body is screaming “Nooooo…”

Mahim – Kings Circle: (song) ::Javeda zindagi – Anwar::

The excitement to get off at KC increases. I wonder what is it about this quaint little untouched part of the city, which attracts people here. I also feel proud. The women behind me, waiting to alight as well, start their favorite game. “Aapko kings circle utarna hai?” It bugs me to no extent, because why else on earth would I be hanging out of the door, being smothered by some not-so-attractive women? The woman to my left asks me, I nod “yes.” So does the woman behind me…I nod “yes” again. Finally, trying my patience, the woman to my right asks me AGAIN…for the love of God!!! I look at her, with the nastiest look, and reply, “nahin, mujhe train se koodkar khudkhushi karne ki aadat hain.” And give her a sweet smile! Her eyes go wide like saucers, and her mouth shuts up! Some women snicker. I smile. Again.

Behold! I have reached…finally! :)

the journey

2008-09-05T07:44:00.000-07:00

unshakable trust
steadfast loyalty
comfortable silences
endless laughs
uninhibited emotions

sly glances
forbidden gazes
drunken nights
slow dances
reminiscent music

candid conversations
shared secrets
close confidantes
giggling gossip
endless revelry

unrestrained thoughts
spontaneous whims
wild escapades
ceaseless concern
stimulating conversations

unconditional love
soothing touch
healing hugs
magical words
warm smiles

broken hearts
concealed tears
hidden fears
estranged memories
lonely nights

2008-08-23T10:17:00.000-07:00

I confess I was in a bit of a unoriginal mood and hence, could not come up with anything interesting. This is a beautiful piece (poem if you like) that i had picked up from some site, written by someone else. I have simply reproduced it, unfortunately without consent, coz it is one of the most touching poems i have come across.

I see your smile
I know your mind
No words need be said
I understand.

Focused on each other
We listen and we care
Laughter ripples like water
Together, we are.

Others are here, yes,
And we value them, yes,
But a special bond remains,
A line between us two.

Each friendship is special
Each is unique
And so is ours
We know.

And then time begins to roll
and rear it’s ugly head
Change begins
Now a little less than before.

Slowly, surely,
Not knowing why
Faster, stronger, without care
Our world shifts and shimmers and splits.

Shattered shards cascade down
Spurred by angry, lashing words
Contorted faces, stone deaf ears
Outside the whirlwind,
We die inside.

The scars run deep
Jagged clefts in our souls
We have suceeded in hurting
And hurt ourselves.

So you move on
And I remain
We keep on living
Turn our faces apart.

Now I glance across
At you from outside
Shaded eyes dry with tears
New friends, new life.

Laughter, smiling (clenched teeth)
The flippant toss of the head
The enclosure surrounds you
I cannot come near.

From behind my glass window
I know more than those within
I see the hurt in your eyes
I know the pain in your smile
I have been there before - I love you
Why do you pretend?

I hate to see your pain
And I cry inside
Tears deep within my soul
I cannot help you anymore.

What we had once
We can never have again.

The scars run deep,
But I still care.

You were my friend.

Poor fellas…and we call them eve-teasers!

2008-08-23T09:57:00.000-07:00

Accidental bumping, brushing, elbowing, nudging and groping are very common mistakes among some men. It seems to me that they face a terrible problem while walking; they misjudge the distance between them and the oncoming crowd (read: girls) or between them and the woman beside them.

Most are probably cross-eyed, so it’s really sad to watch them dodge women or block their way, after muttering an incorrigible ‘sorry’. It is so pitiful to observe these far-sighted men walk diagonally across an empty footpath and in the way of a woman coming in the opposite direction.

What about the taxi and rickshaw drivers? They are so unbelievably careful while driving, that they constantly look into the rear-view mirror, lest there is a speeding car or bike; after all they are ferrying a lone woman passenger. Even when the roads are empty, they just keep sneaking glances through the rear view mirror and these prudent guys are accused of ‘leering’ or ‘staring’ at the woman passenger in the back seat. If only their extreme caution was not mistaken for other bad intentions…! Some are considerate enough to even sing some filmi songs for us, all the while glancing back to check for a positive reaction. Entertainment en route, anyone?

What about that poor old uncle who is standing next to you in a jam-packed BEST bus? Although all of you hang on dearly for your lives, grabbing on to the overhead handle or the backrest of a seat, he just cannot seem to reach the handlebar. And so, very unintentionally, his innocent hands reach your side or your behind and you feel nothing but pity for him while he tries to balance himself in the wobbly bus. Wait! There is another man, who cannot seem to keep his hands to himself. Oh dear, it looks like he has some sort of physical retardation…his right shoulder keeps brushing against your left; all the while he looks at you with ‘I cannot help it’ eyes. If only the Government was kind enough to start separate buses exclusively for men, so they do not have to face such terrible discomfort day after day.

And then there are some more convulsive men at the railway station, who just want to stand near the ladies compartment. How considerate of them to protect us, to save us from the devil of all crimes! They saunter about, whistling to themselves – the self-proclaimed singers that they are! If only I had the opportunity, I would thank them profusely for making our wait for the train extremely peaceful and exciting. I mean how boring would it be without these ‘bodyguards’ at the railway station?

The same goes for the men who consider it their birth right to flank you on both side while climbing the footbridge or walking towards the exit. They believe in ‘more the merrier’ and could not be more concerned whether we are warm enough…hence the ‘stick with em’ motto.

Wouldn’t our lives be filled with danger if it weren’t for these thoughtful guys? C’mon all you women out there…we gotta hand it over to them. Lets face it – they are present everywhere you go, in all shapes and sizes, of all ages and classes. A volley of shocking accusations are hurled at them, from being nasty with women to dis-respecting their sentiments to stripping them off their dignity to subjecting them to debasement…I say ‘how rude!’

Being a woman is a terribly difficult task, since it consists principally in dealing with men. ~Joseph Conrad

history...a bloody gory one!

2008-08-21T00:20:00.000-07:00

History repeats itself…or so they say! In my case, it is absolutely true. These are some of the things that stay constant in my life……

experiences with friends… broken heart

comfort food… re-assuring caffeine

dreamless sleep… escaping reality

permanent scars… healing touch

speeding trains… raging blood

chattering friends… empty thoughts

screwed-up day… classic rock

rock bands… crazy in love

small animals… maternal instincts

wailing babies… angry curses

terra incognita

2008-08-19T09:13:00.000-07:00

today, i watched FRIENDS on TV after a really long time, and those who are familiar with it, will relate to this post. the episode that was aired dealt with Joey realizing that he is in love with (a pregnant) Rachel...and the show (as usual) managed to beautifully capture the turmoil he experiences...his helplessness and restlessness that ensues... To sum up what he goes through and what probably most of the world must have gone through, here goes...

stifled feelings...repressed emotions
silent curses...stealing gazes
feeling breathless...feeling restless
staying positive...staying strong
confused thoughts...unfocused life
burning with jealousy...squirming with worry

lying that you weren't thinking about him...
lying that you aren't hoping for the impossible...
smiling through the sadness
laughing through the tears

watching him discreetly
his every move, his every action
his smile, his eyes, his laugh, his voice
knowing that he'll never be yours...

defending his actions
seeing him through it all
trusting him blindly
no matter what people say...

you dream
you hope
you pray
you live...

you cry
you repent
you sleep
you breathe...

he smiles...
you dream
he talks...
you hope
he knows...
you live

he's my hero...

2008-08-18T09:15:00.000-07:00

there is something inexplicably appealing about men surrounded by little children. father-daughter, uncle-niece, whatever may be the relation. sometimes there is no relation at all. a friend's daughter or the neighbor's little one.

i find it the most appealing sight to watch a man (by that, i mean the one who is macho, egoistic and self-centered) turn into mush when around a little girl. the daddy instincts jump right out of his system, and the ego is nowhere in sight. all attitudes - oozing with machismo - disappear into thin air, and out comes this sweet caring and giving guy - a side to the man that rarely makes an appearance.

take, for instance, the simple sights i pass, when on my way to work every morning in the bus. the journey from the station to office could have been dull and torturous, had it not been for the cute little ones (3 to 7 year-olds) who are all raring to go to school. they are in varying stages - leaving home, en route to school or having reached school. most of these babies are being dropped by their daddy dearest, and it is a mighty pleasure to simply watch the obvious glee on their faces - no, not the kids' faces...i mean the daddies' faces!

recently, i had the opportunity to watch quite a few men go all mush and cute over this charming PYT (she was around 4 years old). and frankly speaking, it was appealing and attractive, not to mention they managed to draw more stares from others (primarily me - habituated to subtly staring anyway!)

these small albeit resourceful instances just go on to prove the presence of the real "mushy" side of men (i am really praying that it is inherent in all of them). i know that sometimes (what the heck, most times), men take advantage of cute chubby little babies to draw chicks (oh how i hate that derogatory term) towards them. and this results in pretty young things (women, i mean) swooning over the man with the smiling baby in his arms! while there are some who are completely oblivious to the people's reactions around them, and are genuinely interested in caring for the baby. these are the really really "cute" kinds, who can make your heart flutter and your breath stop!

well, maybe i have found one, maybe i haven't. but i really wish that there are more of these kinds in the world. from what i see and what the world shows me, sadly, the good species of men are becoming (or have become?) extinct. oh! how i pray that there is one left for me...pretty please? but then again, i have never really got what i have prayed for, have i?

dreamless sleep

2008-08-18T08:30:00.000-07:00

i feel tired. weary and anxious.
i want to sleep.
i have no thoughts. my mind is blank.
i try to think. but it returns to haunt.

i do not understand this phase.
is it b'coz of the person?
is it b'coz i am trying so hard to forget?
is it b'coz i am hoping the person does not forget me?

i look around. the room is empty.
so are my eyes. unseeing pools of wisdom?
i wish for nothing. i wish for sleep.

i am drawn to the talent. i re-read and re-read.
till my eyes start glazing.
i curl up. i close my eyes.

i hope to forget.
i hope to let go.
i hope to be unaffected.

i hope to be strong.
i hope to not cry.
i hope to not show my fear.

i hope to sleep a dreamless sleep.

and then the heavens broke open...

2008-08-04T03:16:00.000-07:00

the thought of a dreary weekend is generally enough to get me scrambling to my feet and reaching out for the "weekend to-do" list. after much contemplation and 'what if' moments, i end up being couped up at home, with nothing-absolutely nothing-on my agenda! no plans makes for a boring weekend. so, i decided to make the last weekend a different one.

off i set on a trek with a colleague from work. i discovered myself and i discovered the world. i comprehended the kinds of people you meet in this diverse country, and i even kept in mind the kinds you would want to avoid.

the morning air was brisk and i, surprisingly, was not one bit sleepy. Sunday 5:30 am? not my cup of tea. but i decided to make it mine. carpe diem - seize the day! the bus ride to karjat presented a good opportunity to get to know the others. but what a tragedy...some champus (those are a one of a kind sample of people, who we encountered) went off to sleep, snoring away peacefully. some sort of adventurists they are! no love lost, my friend and i managed to chat up some other friends in the bargain...the end result being a very close-knit, fun, enthusiastic group by the time we reached base point. this worked out in our favor, since most of the crowd was very very dull! i wasn't going to let their lack of enthusiasm dampen mine, for sure!

just before base point was a halt for a nice scrumptious breakfast at a pleasant-looking well-maintained resort. after eating, drinking and making merry (read: using the loo), we set off for the main trail.

i am impatient, hence, do not expect me to write a discourse or sermon on this. yes, i am an avid nature freak, but i am not going to describe every plant i came across, or every bug that may have died under our feet. nor am i going to give you the directions with landmarks to reach the gambhirnath caves. you figure that one on your own. we didn't reach the top just like that; we paid (literally) big time! what i am going to do is simply express my perspective on the way my Sunday (which coincidentally happened to be Friendship Day) was spent, in the land where all your dreams come true!

it was a sluggish Sunday morning until i boarded the bus. the happy faces i saw made my sleep disappear. the excitement was evident in the air; the bus was filled with cheerful people of all ages and of all kinds.

with the mountain looming over us and the rocky road ahead...we set off in groups for our final destination. the lush greenery and the sense of impossible achievement threw a volley of emotions at me. i took it in my stride and went along, chatting away with the new friends i had made.

what follows is a garbled translation of my thoughts...

the supreme mountains intimidate you
coaxing you to accept
their unspoken challenge
imploring you to surrender
to their divine power!

the opulent reserve of greenery
engulfing you in its embrace
leaves you trembling with awe
such is the effect of
nature' s subtle sensuality!

you are unaware
when it hits you
that overwhelming feeling
of defeat...
the defeat of man against nature!

you feel as tiny as you can possibly be
tinier than the butterfly that flutters around you
teasing you...luring you
to let go...
...let go of the luxuries of the real world
...let go of the phantoms of the past
...let go of the troubles of your life back home

and just when you are soaking in the sun
its brilliant golden rays
casting a magic spell...
the heavens break open
& the rain Gods smile down on you!

the weather evokes the romance in you
your heart sings out...exulted and victorious
you wish for some more moments like these
you wish for those special moments to last for life

the eloquent flush of greenness
stirs you from within, while
myriad albeit beautiful emotions
brings a twinkle in your eye

philosophy and i
don't really get along
but this ambiance brings out
the poet, writer, musician, philosopher...
all rolled in one!

there i was
standing on the mountain
looking the clouds in the eye
the birds soaring as high as i

i closed my eyes
and saw my dream
saw my past
saw my future

and i instantly knew
this is what it felt like
to attain nirvana!

until the next time
i fall in love
all over again...

the unknown

2008-07-30T02:18:00.000-07:00

they saw no one
but each other
day after day
night after night

she yearned to be with him
sitting in a lecture
her mind empty and distant

his thoughts kept straying
from his project
to her

she looked at her mobile
"no new message"
a shadow cast on her face

he reached for his mobile
the boss called for him

muttering curses
the mobile went back
into the pocket

the day progressed
messages were exchanged
sweet nothings were conveyed
conversations filled with
promises and longing

it was all a secret
he didn't want people to know
she couldn't care less

this was love
actually happening to her
she was eighteen
he was thirty-five

he loved being with her
young, child-like, carefree
she loved him
mature, protective, sensible

she day-dreamed all the time
in class, in the canteen, in the train
she hummed happy romantic songs
until her friends could tolerate no more

he was ambitious
aiming for that promotion
he worked very hard
until his colleagues said "enough"

the end of the day
tired, he headed home
weary, she headed home

she slept like a baby
her teddy in her arms
he slept like a log
his wife in his arms

the girl in yellow

2008-07-29T07:54:00.000-07:00

she walks along the platform
at Churchgate station
slowly threading through the morning crowd

the station is bustling with activity
at such an early hour
irritation and impatience
shroud people's faces
"move on" "hurry up"

she has a smile
calm and serene
her eyes twinkling behind her shades
the kohl in them glistening black

she doesn't jostle people
nor does she elbow her way through
she sits in a corner
until her train chugs in noisily

women rush, holler, push
men choose profanities
women eventually lose all etiquette
they too join in with the profanities

she laughs
on hearing one woman mispronounce
a choicest abuse in hindi
shakes her head
still laughing

she is dressed in a salwar kameez
in a bright happy color
yellow!

she is glowing like the sun
no, its not makeup
its her real happiness
that is radiating her face

the woman next to her
is grumbling and muttering curses
the girl in yellow is kind
and concerned

she gently asks the cranky woman
and receives some more
irritability in return
yet, she smiles...her usual caring smile

the train will leave
in another 5 minutes

the grumbling woman looks at her
"aren't you going to take this train?"
the girl smiles "yes that's mine"
"why are you still on the platform?"
a broader smile "just letting the others board first"

the woman looks at her oddly
pondering
why she isn't like the other girls
rushing into the waiting train
for a window seat

now, its time to go
the girl hauls her bag
on her shoulder
and stands up

sunglasses in place
she fidgets with something
in her right hand
she unfolds it

"click" it touches the ground
the man in front of her
gives way
others follow suit
the moment they see her

she is the girl in yellow
with the white cane

in the closet

2008-07-29T04:28:00.000-07:00

a new beginning
a positive attitude
its not late to turn back
its not late to quit

she doesn't know whats in store for her
she doesn't know what tomorrow holds
all she knows is that she wants another chance
another beginning

the past haunts her
guilt engulfs her
fears shadow her

life was never an open book
yet so many tried to pry it open
little do they know
the more you try
the more she cries...

they thought they were making it better
talking to her
asking her questions
getting personal

they advise
they predict
they judge
she ignores, but she hurts from within

separation is hard
its hard to let go
they think she is heartless
they don't see her cry into the night
they don't see her cower with fright

she avoids relationships
like a plague
she fears more heartbreaks
not hers, but theirs

he and I

2008-07-29T03:35:00.001-07:00

he walks past, head held high,
arrogance in every swaggering step
like he owns the world
attitude reeking of rebelliousness

he speaks...
voice filled with command
dripping with sarcasm

i look like i am going to kill him
i have the murderous glare
he has the charming sly smile

his writing hooks me on
a frequent visitor of his blog
he knows nothing
i prefer it this way

he knows he has my attention
i refuse to let it show
pretence swathing my face, i move on
indifferent, he moves on

and i swear to God,
the more i think of him
the more i hate him...